[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
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I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*