A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
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me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
This bar smells like my childhood.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh