Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
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asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.