You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
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I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.