I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
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[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣