*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
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You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
From my Mom
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.