If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
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If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
No. He’s not coming out to play
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Me, after a minor inconvenience: