Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
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Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss