If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
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At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
New Tinder profile.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.