Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
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A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*