Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
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Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!