Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
You Might Also Like
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”