Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
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I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
We decided to have money instead of children.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”