Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
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[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Ok who’s got my black socks?
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.