Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
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me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
This is my brand.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Jurassic park gets weird
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking