I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
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[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”