My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
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Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.