I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
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“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
your honor my client chooses dare
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Every time my phone rings
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert