why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
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<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.