So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
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Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Thursday Thought.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous