boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
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satan: not today, microsoft teams
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.