Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
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“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Jesus Christ lmao
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.