When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
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I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
very niche meme I made
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?