HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
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You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.