“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
You Might Also Like
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?