Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
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They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Admin smashed it 😂
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.