Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
You Might Also Like
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Lmao
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )