Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
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Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
😏😏😏
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”