People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
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me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…