You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
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CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.