I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
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*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
When news reporters do sports stories
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”