The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
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Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Don’t tell me what to do
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Google assistant rules
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.