As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
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*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*