Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
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[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Wait a second…
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Why do meteors always land in craters?
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!