If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
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All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it