CUTE CAT‼︎
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Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Hot Hot Hot
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”