Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
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Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.