*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
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Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.