You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
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Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.