[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
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I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva