364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
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*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
A short story of betrayal:
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.