Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
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Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails