Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
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*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see