Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
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There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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.
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Squash
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
R.I.P.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜