absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
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I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it