*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
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me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
FINE, I WON’T.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
best review i’ve ever seen
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Milk Cube