Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
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“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?