#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
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My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.