If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
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Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Going to pronounce fecal like decal