Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
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My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Received some very disappointing news today
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.